


A Fistful of Aprils

by vega_voices



Series: Sleeps with Butterflies [50]
Category: CSI, CSI: Crime Scene Investigation
Genre: F/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-25
Updated: 2014-04-25
Packaged: 2018-01-20 17:35:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,160
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1519313
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vega_voices/pseuds/vega_voices
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>She deserved more ...</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Fistful of Aprils

**Title:** A Fistful of Aprils  
 **Author:** vegawriters  
 **Fandom:** CSI ([Sleeps with Butterflies](http://vega-voices.livejournal.com/79902.html))  
 **Pairing:** Sara/Doug (with mentions of Sara/Greg and Sara/Grissom)  
 **Rating:** PG-17ish  
 **Timeframe:** Covers from season 4 through to season 14.  
 **A/N:** I play with time a little bit in this, but that's okay. So do the CSI writers.  
 **Disclaimer:** CSI is the property of CBS and all involved with it. I am here writing and playing with characters and not making a dime off of my playing.

 **Summary:** _She deserved more ..._

_Funny you're the broken one but I'm the one who needed saving._  
From: _Stay_ by Rihanna

**April, 2004**

“Tell me you’re kidding.” Sara raised an eyebrow as she took another sip of her beer. “You’re engaged to a yoga instructor. Named Candy.”

“Well … live and let live, right?”

“No.” She laughed. “Whatever possessed you? Other than Dharma and Greg?”

“That’s not enough?”

“No.” Sara shook her head at him. “It really isn’t. A yoga instructor?”

“She’s flexible.”

“And you’re disgusting.” Sara laughed. "Really, Doug. Does she make you happy?"

He paused just long enough to make her wonder, but smiled. "Yes," he said. Still, he reached over the table to take her hand and she stared at their linked fingers and wondered if she'd made a mistake all those years ago. Maybe she shouldn't have walked away from him, shouldn't have just taken his inability to be there for her as anything other than his own fears that he'd have to watch her self-destruct. But all the wondering in the world didn't change how she felt about Gil and how she knew Gil felt about her and he was an idiot with his head up his ass, but she knew him. She understood him. So what the hell was she doing sitting here other than connecting to an old friend and reveling in the touch of his hand against hers. He was engaged. He was engaged. To a yoga instructor.

**April 2014**

The email caught her by surprise. _Hey. I have tickets to the home opener for the Giants. You have the time to take off and join me?_ She stared at the words, knowing full well that he meant more than the baseball game. She’d been ready a few months ago, prepared for a weekend in a hotel room in Reno, until Nevada’s hellish Brigadoon had trapped her, Morgan, and Finn in its clutches. After that, she hadn’t been able to think beyond her own guilt. “A Good Shoot” meant nothing to a woman who had vowed to never take a life. Gil had shown up, Greg had been there for her, and she’d let the idea of a reunion with Doug settle into the background of her mind.

But now with this promise laid out before her, she paused before her fingers found the keys and responded. _Where are the seats?_

 _And now I’m looking for someone else to give these to …_ he teased in his response.

She stared at the words before firing back _Pick me up at the airport. I’ll send my itinerary tonight._

What the hell was she thinking? Doug was a bad idea but only because he was so good for her. They lived in different places, had such different lives, and she was not falling down that rabbit hole again. Her heart couldn’t take it. She was tired of an empty house and only her best friend to turn to. But, with better voices telling her that she knew better, she booked a flight, sent her itinerary, and tried to block out the memory of the last time he’d touched her, in the airport when he’d flown through last year. They’d had lunch and as he walked away, she’d grabbed him and kissed him and for a few long moments, it had been like it was when she was 15 years younger and not yet heartbroken by the reality that even the strongest of vows can be erased what feels like the blink of an eye.

Love wasn’t strong enough to cross all ravines and what was left of her connection to her soon to be ex-husband was hanging by the last shred of a frayed rope and the planks of the bridge that could lead her from here to there were rotting through. It would take miracles at best, jumping, risking life and limb and it couldn’t be done alone. She’d been willing. Him, not so much. And so she now slept with her best friend when both of them needed comfort and she was willing to accept the pain of re-establishing contact with a man she could have once married all for the chance to feel. Modern woman diatribes buffeted her brain, reminding her there was nothing wrong with being single. Her heart shot back, reminding her that there was nothing wrong with wanting to be loved.

Still she felt guilty. What she and Greg shared, in dim rooms when they were tired and seeking comfort, was only an extension of their friendship. Once the door had been open for more, and it could be again if they were not working together, but she couldn’t re-enter into that world of sneaking around and hiding emotions. She'd done that for far too long and there was a silly and childish part of her that felt if she and Gil had been more open all those years ago, Natalie would not have kidnapped her. Nor should she enter into another long distance dalliance, putting her heart in the hands of a man who could be gone at a moment’s notice. Despite her affection for Doug, she still couldn't tell if her feelings were because they'd once loved each other or if they could again. Yet, she did not meet people easily and the last flirtation she’d allowed herself to enjoy had ended in death and an investigation into her involvement. Also, she’d learned, the man was married.

Despite her reticence, her heart won out over her head and after shift she found herself in a Victoria’s Secret, trying on a new bra and panty set and grabbing a negligee at the last moment. She packed only the barest of essentials save for a favorite dress in case they went to dinner. The new lingerie matched it perfectly. At the last minute she indulged in a manicure and pedicure, shaved her legs, and made sure to pack her best makeup. For the flight she wore her new jeans, a tank top that formed against her body perfectly, and an old bomber jacket Doug had given her back when they were dating. She left her hair loose and didn’t bother to blow dry it after her shower, letting her curls fly free around her face. Wore a favorite necklace. Took an earlier flight to surprise him. And when she saw the look in his eyes as he stepped off the elevator at the NTSB field office in San Francisco, she knew she’d made the right decision. When his lips found hers and his arms wrapped her tightly against his body, she contemplated a transfer back to the San Francisco lab. When they broke apart and he tucked a lock of her hair behind her ear and stroked her cheek with his thumb, she knew that if they were in the same city, Gil would be just a distant memory and she didn’t know what to make of it other than it felt good to realize she could move on. Which was funny considering with Doug, it was like stepping into a time machine.

**April 2005**

She fell into Gil's arms, unable to get close enough. Nick was safe, tucked into a hospital bed for the night and the doctors had kicked them all out save for his parents who hovered over their son's bed. The drive to Gil's had taken half the usual time and by the time they stumbled through the door, both of them were half undressed, tossing shirts aside as they fell onto the couch, gasping and clawing and aching. This wasn't about love or connection or anything other than the need to remind each other that they were alive. They were alive. They were alive. And she rode him hard and he left bruises where he held on and after she'd come, long after he was spent, he clung to her and sobbed out his fears. Nick, she knew, was the student he'd always craved. Of all the devoted who followed him like puppies after a treat, Nick was the one who learned the tricks. Gil loved him, deeply, and he'd thought he'd lost him. While he sobbed, Sara clutched his head against her breast, her hands in his hair, waiting for the storm to pass.

**April 2014**

“You’re early,” he chided.

“Surprise,” she said softly, suddenly aware that everyone in the lobby was watching them.

“Thank god,” was his response. “And thank god you’re okay. We heard about what happened at LVPD.”

“I was never near the violence,” she responded, thinking back to Greg, who had been right in the line of fire and Nick who had been the one to coordinate efforts and DB who had held the body of a 16 year old kid who just hadn’t been able to keep his head on straight. Her heart was still haunted by the outcome, the woman who had set up the attack. When would she stop believing in the goodness of people?

“Good.” He sighed. “You want to come up to my desk while I get my stuff or wait?”

She felt the eyes of the lobby and shook her head. “I’ll come.”

He pinned a visitor’s badge to her tank top and took her hand, leading her toward the elevator. Inside, his lips were again on hers and she lost herself in the kiss, not caring if his entire team would see them when the doors opened. How often had they done this before? Fooling no one as they stole moments in the courtyard, the elevator, before tempting each other back to bed. His smile told her he was as much in the past as she was, but that he was also here, hoping that she’d be along for the ride.

She wasn’t sure yet. But this felt good.

At his desk, she watched him go through familiar routines. Locking up paperwork, sealing chain of evidence. The sense of urgency with which he moved made her smile – apparently they both had the same thing on their minds and any talking could happen later. She just wondered if they’d be able to wait until they got back to his place. His truck had always served them well in the past. He took her hand again and said good night to his team and led her back to the elevator, down to the parking structure, and inside his truck, his lips were again on hers.

“God, Sara,” he pulled back. “I’m sorry. I’ve barely said hello.”

“We can say hello later,” she said, smiling. “Really, Doug, just get me back to your place.”

“I’ve never said no to a beautiful woman,” he chuckled and started the truck. Sara slid across the bench seat and curled up against him for the drive.

**April 2006**

She found him sitting outside the hospital, what looked to be a forgotten cup of coffee at his side. Gil was back inside, talking to Brass, making sure things were okay. Sara sat down next to him, taking his hand in hers. "He's going to be okay, Greg."

"How much more do we have to see fall apart, Sara? Nick last year, Brass this year. Is this what it means to be in our business anymore?"

"I don't know," she looked down at their hands. "But I think if we hold onto each other it's going to be okay."

"I love you," he blurted out. She looked at him. He blushed and shrugged. "I do. And I know that nothing is ever going to happen. But I have to say it because it's important."

She leaned over and kissed his cheek. "I love you too, Greg."

"Different time, different place?"

"Different moment in time, maybe." She stroked his cheek. "But don't worry. I think as long as we have each other's backs, we'll be okay."

He smiled and kissed her cheek in return.

**April 2014**

He ordered Chinese food. She stretched out on his couch dressed in a Giant’s jersey. She didn’t remember the player. It didn’t matter. She didn’t plan to wear it for long. “So why’d you go vegetarian?” He asked from his place at the far end of the couch. Her feet were in his lap.

“A few reasons …” she shrugged. “Mostly, I just couldn’t stand the thought of eating meat anymore. I’d spend a night outside watching a pig get eaten by flies. That was kind of the straw …”

“Okay, I’ll stick to missing and broken planes.”

Sara chuckled. “Yeah … that one was pretty nasty.” He looked at her and moved his hand up the inside of her leg but there was a look on his face. She shook her head. “Not until my last day here,” Sara said. “I’m going to enjoy myself.”

“Fair enough.” There was a knock on the door and Doug got up to answer it and sign for the food. Sara watched him, trying not to lose herself in decade old memories that she knew were influencing this moment. She wasn’t in love with him anymore. But the tenderness remained after all these years. The shorthand. The teasing and the gentle connections and even the easy conversation. It was just there and they already had the foundation for something real. “Hey,” his voice interrupted her thoughts. “You said you wanted to enjoy yourself.”

She chuckled and sat up. He set the bags on the table and pulled her to her feet. “Dinner will get cold,” she said as his hands made quick work of the buttons on her jersey.

“It’s always better the second day anyway.”

She laughed as he nudged her back down into the cushions and settled between her legs. “I’ve missed you,” she said, brushing her hand down his arm. “More than I realized.”

“I did one really stupid thing all those years ago,” he said.

“What?”

“I walked away.”

“We aren’t talking about that right now.”

“Aren’t we?” He kissed her neck. “Sara …”

“Don’t,” she shook her head. “Don’t.”

“Why not?”

“Because I can’t sit here and wonder what might have been. Not when I’m just a couple of months away from being yet another 40-something statistic.”

He let out a breath. “Okay.” He kissed her. She fell into it. This she could handle. This was familiar.

**April 2007**

They clinked beers and each took a swig. "Here's to surviving the year," Sara said. Greg rolled his eyes. "What?"

"Feels like maybe I shouldn't have."

"Don't go there." She took another sip of her beer. "We have each other's backs, remember?"

"Always." He tilted his head at her. "Sara?"

"Yeah?"

"What were you thinking that day?"

She shook her head and looked down at the beads of sweat that decorated the neck of the bottle. "That if I never got to say hello to you again, never got to see your smile, that I'd never forgive myself."

"Isn't it lucky I survived."

Tears touched her eyes and she bit her lip, trying to force them back. But one escaped and she reached over and ran her hand down his back. "God, Greg. I am so ... I don't know what I'd do without you."

"How did that happen?" He half-smiled at her. "That we ended up like this?"

"I refuse to analyze that one. You'll disappear if I do."

He leaned over and kissed her cheek.

**April 2014**

“So what was your favorite place you lived while wandering the globe?” Doug asked her.

She smiled and ran her finger along the edge of the wine glass. “Paris,” she admitted. “We had a home there and it felt like what we’d both been wanting for a long time. I was staying at home, but researching and working. He was teaching and writing. It was this perfect world for a while, you know. For a little while it was like every romantic movie where the ex-Pat couple finds this perfect home away from home.”

“What changed?”

She bit her lip. “We didn’t,” she said quietly. “Not at first. But we’d applied for this grant and it wasn’t coming through and we also had some tax stuff that really needed to be dealt with back in the states, so I came back to work on the grant options and deal with the house. During that time, Gil got this job with the Peruvian government and before we knew it, things had changed.” She shrugged. “At first it was still perfect. We saw each other once a month, we talked every day … but then it was every couple of days. He cancelled a couple of things for us.”

“Do you think …”

“No.” She shook her head, knowing what he was asking. “I’m more likely to fool around than Gil is, which … my aversion to it is such that I still have trouble with the idea of us being together and we haven’t been married for a year.”

“So what was it?”

“I think it all changed when DB made it clear that I was his assistant, that I had a more important role than just being a CSI. I had a purpose here. I couldn’t just pick up and walk away. Gil kept expecting me to be ready to do that. I kept expecting him to want to come home. I think I forgot that … his idea of home changed.” She shrugged and took another sip of wine. “What about you?”

“What?” He laughed. “Me and Candy?”

“Yes.”

“What was it you said when I told you we were getting married?”

“That even Vegas wouldn’t take the odds on that one?”

“Yes.”

She smiled but bit her lip. “Doug, why did you marry her?” She didn’t want to hear his answer, but she knew it anyway.

He shrugged. “She was beautiful. She made me laugh.” He paused. “And you were in love with someone else.”

“Doug …”

He reached across the table and took her hand. “I don’t know what this all means, Sara. I don’t. And I get the feeling you aren’t sleeping alone back in Vegas.” She blushed. “I know that to even open this door between us again is to tempt fate to crush us. But I’ve missed you and I think I made a mistake walking away from you. I don’t think it had anything to do with you and it had everything to do with me not being able to handle what you needed to do to break away from the abuse you were dealing with. Grissom was more of a man than me. He was willing to be there for you. I ran.”

“Doug, you did what you had to do.”

“For me. Not for you.” He shook his head. “Sara, you were lying in the hospital and I walked away from you.”

“You did what you had to do.” She shook her head. “I was never angry at you for it and I didn’t need a knight in shining armor.”

“No,” he linked their fingers, “I’m sorry but you did. It wouldn’t have made you any less than as a woman, it wouldn’t have made you weak. You couldn’t do it on your own and I walked away and expected you to.”

**April 2008**

_Sara ... just do me a favor and respond to one email okay? Just one. Just let me know you're okay. We have each other's backs, remember?  
~Greggo _

**April 2014**  
“Doug …” she raised their hands and kissed his fingers. “Don’t do this to yourself. I love my life in Vegas and I don’t regret a moment I spent with Gil. I know you’ve done well for yourself. We can sit here and lament on the past and the what ifs, but who I am now came about because of all of that. Why torture ourselves?”

He chuckled. “I have a million reasons why. But you’re right.”

“I know I am.” She smiled. “The question for us tonight is not about the past, it’s about what this means. If anything.”

“I want it to mean something but I won’t do the long distance thing with you. Not after what you’re going through.”

“I appreciate that.” She smiled. And she did appreciate it. As much as she really did want to see if she and Doug could have something again, she also couldn’t do this to her heart. “So for the next 24 hours, we’re just going to have fun, okay? Because you’ve already broken my heart once.”

“Should never have in the first place.”

“Yeah, well. This is where we are.” She picked up her wine glass again and took a sip. “And I’m not walking back down those paths more than to smile at old memories, okay? We were good together, Doug. But I was also good with Gil. I’m not erasing those years, okay? My being here doesn’t mean that you’ve won some pissing match. I’m here because I want to be. I’m not some commodity on the open market.”

He smiled a bit. “Well, that’s new.”

“What?”

“Fifteen years ago, you never would have said that.”

She chuckled. “Well, I’m a grownup now.”

“What if I wanted to try again, Sara? Really try?”

She sighed. “You’d need to be willing to make sacrifices you shouldn’t have to make.”

“Move to Vegas, for starters.”

“Move to Vegas. Find a place. Take it slow. Accept that Gil and I … God, he hasn’t signed the papers yet.”

“You really think you two will reconcile?”

“He’s my husband, Doug. Of course I think we’ll reconcile.”

“So why are you here?”

“Because,” she said quietly, “I needed to see what you and I still have.”

“And what do we have?”

“Something. But I think we always will.” She sighed. “This sucks.”

“Yeah. It does.”

**April 2009**

_You're going to kill me for telling you this way, but Gil and I got married. It was beautiful and perfect and I'll give you more details later. I love you, Greg.  
~Sara _

**April 2014**  
He scooped her into a hug as she stepped off the escalator at McCarran. "Have fun?" He teased in her ear.

"Too much," she sighed and squeezed him before pulling back. "But you know what, it was worth it."

"Good." He took her hand and she followed him out to his car. "Because you deserve it."

"You didn't have to come in you know."

"And what, leave you standing by the curb? What kind of gentleman would that make me?" He winked and she laughed. At his car, he took her bag, tossed it in the trunk, and Sara climbed into the passenger seat. Tucked into the seat, smelling the remnants of another woman's perfume, she wondered exactly what they were doing, what she was doing to herself. Logic told her to find someone, anyone, who wasn't the two men she'd been circling for the better part of her adult life. Gil was done and gone. He didn't want to reconcile and she had to accept that. His work had won the battle in his heart and while they would always love each other and she knew eventually they could be friends again, right now they were done and even if he showed up at her door with the shredded remnants of their divorce papers in his hand, she wasn't sure if she could take him back. He'd been willing to walk away. He'd couched his cowardice behind his desire to "protect" her. She deserved more than he could give him, he'd said over and over again. And it was true. She could handle the occasional semester abroad or the occasional couple of months where he could go do research or track some bit of fossilized bug down, but she couldn't live this life anymore. Her life was here and his had not been able to change to adapt to her. The writing had been on the wall for years, since the lost the grant, since she'd had to stay on in Vegas to keep things afloat, since he'd insisted she not sell the house and join him. He liked his time. He liked his research. Tears touched her eyes and when she blinked, she realized they were halfway to her house. "You okay?" Greg asked.

"No." She shuddered out a sigh. "I'm really not."

"That's okay," He squeezed her hand. "You want to talk about it?"

"No." She looked at him. "Not yet."

"What are you going to do if he wants to reconcile, Sara?"

"I don't know. But I'm tired of this soap opera, Greg. I'm tired of wondering and waiting. I'm just tired and I'm tired of feeling this way. I'm forty years old. I shouldn't be feeling like the world is coming to an end. I should be enjoying myself." She paused. "I'm not."

"I know you aren't."

Before she risked more tears she didn't want to shed in front of anyone else, she hiccuped and smiled and focused on him. "How's Audrey?"

"Confusing."

"Why?"

"Because I really like her."

Sara laughed. "But?"

"I'm still not sure what that means beyond you."

Sara only shook her head. "I'm not going anywhere, Greg. And you deserve to be with someone who won't treat you like Grissom treated me."

"You never could, Sara."

"I don't know." She traced her hand up his arm. "Really, Greg. You deserve to really let yourself fly and I don't think ..." she shook her head. "Let yourself fly, Greg."

"What about you, Sara?"

"Make me smile." A tear slipped down her cheek. He took her hand. They were silent for the drive home.

**April 2011**

"I thought ..." she sighed and tried not to bang her head against the pillow it was resting on. "Gil, I thought you were coming back for two months. What the hell?"

"This project ..."

"Is what? Bigger than you expected? Gil, they always are. I miss you."

"You're coming out to see me. Soon."

"That's what you have to say to me?"

"Sara ..."

"No. I'm hanging up now. I'll call you back when I don't want to kill you."

**April 2014**

She sat alone in the room that had been his library. Full to the brim of research and books and shadowboxes of bugs he didn't have room for. She'd taken such care to decorate it, to make it a room, an office, and now most of it was in boxes, waiting for him to come get it. If the divorce became final without his visit, without him appearing in person to sign the papers, she was renting a storage unit and putting it on his credit card. She'd made that clear to him in her last email, sobbing through the words, refusing to admit that he could still make her cry all this time after his decision to end their life together. Anger was her weapon against him and she hated it because he was so immune to it at times.

Looking around at the room, she tried to envision it as simply a guest room. Or maybe she'd turn it into a home gym - put in a TV and an elliptical and a yoga mat. Maybe she'd move the piano in here, get it out of the living room, give herself a space to just fall into herself. They'd bought this home with the intent of having space for themselves but still the reason to come together. Four bedrooms had been perfect for their workaholic tendencies. Four bedrooms had meant if there was a Baby Grissom in their future, they could make the changes easy enough. And now the house he'd suggested, the one they'd picked out and bought together, the one they'd decorated and lived in and shared and ...

Tears fell.

Max crawled up next to her, his puppy paws getting in the way of the rest of his body. He snuffed at her. She scratched his head. Maybe she'd just give this room to Max. Turn it into a dog's paradise. After all, she wasn't having any two legged children. It was her and Max from here on out. She needed to let Greg have his life. She needed to not rely on Doug. She needed ...

... to feel loved again. Just once more.

**April 2012**

_Happy Anniversary, Sara. I love you._

**April 2014**

It should have been so easy, so simple. But she stared at her doctor's card, put it away, took it out again, put it away. Of all her contacts, that one was not in her phone. She couldn't. It meant admitting it was over. She wouldn't be in pain any longer, but what emptiness was waiting? Gil had promised he'd be here but now she wasn't sure she wanted him at her side. What had he done for the last year other than break her heart, remind her that even the people who had sworn to love her forever ... couldn't. Wouldn't. Her father's taunting and her mother's scolding lingered in her head.

A knock on the door surprised her and she raced over, pretending her hopes weren't up for some Hollywood ending.

**April 2013**

"What are we doing, Gil?"

"I don't know anymore." They stared at each other across the hotel room and she could feel the strings that kept them bound together, kept them circling. If she had a knife, she'd reach out and slice them free. "But you need to make a decision."

"I still love you."

"It's not enough is it? You've loved me for almost twenty years. Maybe the problems we've had are the universe telling us that we never should have been together."

"Do you believe that?"

"I don't know. But I know that I've always been right here. You've hidden behind not wanting to hurt me, behind your ego, behind your precious reputation. What about me? What have I given up, being your doting protege, your adoring girlfriend, your stoic wife? What about my ego, Gil? What about my reputation?" She closed her eyes, willing him to be gone when she opened them again. Instead he still stood there, looking like a kicked puppy, and she shook her head. "No. You started this. If you want me to have better, you give me better. I'm tired of words, Gil."

He bit his lip. She turned away. The door clicked shut behind him.

**April 2014**

Max yipped in the way that only puppies could. Sara blinked at the sunlight, the shadow, the familiar body.

"Surprise," he said. "I hope it's okay."

Sara reached out, took Doug's hand, and led him into the house.


End file.
